If you just open your eyes, oh what a sweet discovery

Is there a pause button on this thing?

2010-03-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time a beautiful, young maiden had a lovely blog. She cherished this blog. She updated it regularly, took it to play at the park, and even changed its occasional messy diaper. This fair maiden vowed that nothing would ever keep her apart from her blog and that she would never become one of those despicable bloggers who have a blog only in namesake. But alas, summer turned to fall, fall turned to winter, winter eventually turned to spring, and this disheartened lass discovered that she had somehow neglected her blog so unforgivably. She couldn't stop thinking about all the poor and lost souls in the blogosphere who had dedicated all of their time and effort to reading her blog posts and had now given up on the once credible blogger. She sobbed gushing streams of steaming tears into her pillow and could only muster the courage to publish one more post. And then she probably lives happily ever after. The end.

OBVIOUSLY my obsession with blogging has (understatement) dwindled. On my huge long list of things to do, blogging is dead last. I'M CHANGING MY LIFE YOU KNOW! So this is not farewell, good riddance, or what have you, but only an "I'll be back later"...maybe...type thing. I reserve the right to re-commence my blogging if and whenever I so choose. I just felt dumb leaving everyone hanging on my "It's January" post, when I'm sure you would all check back and scream, "NO, it's NOT, you IDIOT!" And no hard feelings, I deserved it.

Feel free to get your "I'M DYING FOR A MELISSA FIX" at morechinsthanachinesephonebook.blogspot.com.

It's January

2010-01-09T22:45:00.001-08:00

And once again I suck at blogging. Insert all of the same excuses, yada, yada, yada and let's move on. I've been feeling like it's my duty to write some awe-inspiring, comical, mind-blowing, all encompassing Christmas/New Year's post and I just haven't mustered the energy, so until then (let's face it, it's probably not happening) I had a wonderful break.

But want to hear a funny story? I thought so. A few days ago I was buying some wrapping paper at the local Dollar Tree. Apparently all Christmas wrapping paper is immediately hidden away after Christmas because I was purchasing a lovely, but neutral, floral print. "I personally believe that U.S. Americans" often give late Christmas gifts and stores could profit from this human folly. Maybe I'll bring this up with Sam Walton or whoever the lucky business man is who founded Dollar Tree.

Leave it to me to make a short story way too long. So...after grappling with the decision to go with the more hip and energetic daisy print or the more formal and elegant rose print, I brought my daisy paper up to the checkout. You might have to go back in your mind a bit to your math days, but picture this, I set the tube down so that it was perpendicular to the counter, thusly:

But it was sticking too far out for my comfort so I pushed the whole thing forward...smack dab into the crotch of the young checkout boy. He squealed and I vomited up some kind of ridiculous apology. We didn't talk for the remainder of the checkout process and I booked it out of there so fast I'm pretty sure I left tread marks. Thank you to the awkward situations god because I'm completely convinced there is one. This can't be the first time this has happened, I mean, maybe cashiers should be required to wear cups nowadays. Too many job hazards and too many potential lawsuits.

Speaking of racism

2009-12-12T20:23:00.001-08:00

Learning about Christmas traditions from around the world is all fun and games until some country goes and gets all racist with the most joyous holiday of the year. I mean, if people still think Americans are crazy racist they should scooch on over across the Atlantic and check out Holland. We have a black president, they have an evil Santa's sidekick named Black Pete who chases naughty children around with a stick. I'm just saying. There's jolly old white Sinter Klaas who brings joy and good-tidings to all, and the menacing Black Pete who brings nothing but terror and a whooping. You better watch out.

I was so excited when it was Holland's turn because of the shoes and whatnot, but to my dismay Holland has another darker, more racist Christmas tradition that apparently is more hush-hush than the innocent filling of the wooden shoe with toys and goodies. I felt racist just coloring this fella...and teaching my kids about him...and watching as they all colored him. Sorry Black Pete, I'm sure you're not all that bad. You might want to reconsider the hair-due. Just a little advice.

Speaking of racism, this story would be funny if it was anyone of any race, but he was asian, so it's a little funnier. At the gym this morning I was minding my own business, doing my thang on the treadmill, when my neighbor to the right starts pounding his chest and forcing some strange noise out of his throat. He kept jacking up his speed and incline, which induced more fits of chest pounding and raucous grunting. I didn't know whether to laugh or pretend I didn't notice, so I kinda did both...an awkward combination.

Picture either one of these, but more asian.

And Holland still has me beat!

What are you thankful for?

2009-11-27T13:31:00.000-08:00

That is the question I posed to my little first graders last week in preparation for our Thanksgiving art project. We made cornucopias and on each piece of food that went inside they had to write one thing that they were thankful for. I was expecting the normal list of family, friends, food, clothes, houses, etc. and yes, I got those responses (which are wonderful and true and exactly the things that I am grateful for), but our class list just kept growing and growing and they showed no signs of running out of ideas. I almost stopped the discussion when I judged that their ideas were getting a little silly and that they were raising their hands with these random things just to be funny, but when I looked into their faces and listened to their voices, I saw and heard genuine sincerity with every item. What a marvelous thing it must be to look at the world through the eyes of a 6-year-old and to be so unabashedly grateful for the sky, the grass, shoelaces, backpacks, Pokemon, water, rocks, books, tables, forks, street signs, headbands, and pencils. Because really when you think about it, we should be honestly and sincerely thankful for every little thing that makes our lives easier, safer, more enjoyable, more comfortable, more connected, more free.

I'm grateful for God's beautiful children who help me everyday to be a better human being. And aren't they just adorable in their Thanksgiving outfits?!
I'm especially grateful for this little guy who was sent from Heaven to join our family!! Look at that face!!! I never thought I could look at a baby all day and never get bored. LOVE HIM!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Financial drainage

2009-11-21T22:16:00.000-08:00

Remember how a month or two back I briefly mentioned that I had to take my precious minivan to Pep Boys because it was making some funky noise and ended up spending 500 buckaroos? Not that I expect you to store every word that I say in your long-term memory, but it just so happens to be relevant here. And remember how a month or two before that I got stranded in American Fork because my precious minivan died and needed a new battery, which apparently I got ripped off on, both points being relevant here.? (Do I use a question mark in that grammatical situation or a period? I can never decide. It's probably just a horrible run-on sentence. So sorry about that.)

Lo and behold, the aforementioned precious minivan began making some funky noises uhhhgain! As you know I'm forcing the thing down to California this week for Thanksgiving, and as I woke up this morning all I could hear was my dad in my head saying, "If your car is ever making any noise or driving any different, take it somewhere to be looked at!" Always the dutiful Daddy's girl (and not wanting to die en route to Thanksgiving bliss) I pulled on in to Big O' Tires this morning. I figured a change of venue might be nice. Let it be known that I HATE going to car places because I know jack squat about cars and I feel like a total idiot trying to describe what's wrong.

"Well...ummm...it's making some noise like this 'RRrrrrrrr, RRRRRRRrrrrrrr, rrrrrRRRR!"

Turns out they had some coupon for a full car inspection, oil change, tire rotation, all fluids filled type thing, and they offered me that because frankly they probably had no clue what I was talking about...neither did I. I took it because my car could use all that other junk too I'm sure. They say "45 minutes" and I take myself over to the mall. Bad idea.

I'm just walking around, window shopping, humming along to the jolly Christmas music streaming through the sound system when this lovely Israelian girl (I didn't know she was from Israel, she told me) asked me if I had a second. Well, it just so happens that I did. She sits me down in this chair, takes out my bun (my hair is NEVER not in a bun), and proceeds to give me this full-on hair makeover. She straightens it all out, then curls it, then straightens it, just to show me the wonders of the Herstyler straightener. We're chatting and having a grand time. She thought I was 16. No joke. We just became regular old pals. So when she told me they were only 200 dollars and I was trying to peace-out gracefully, she offered me her discount because I was such a nice girl. Only for me?! Well, isn't that swell. So she offers me "the greatest price ever," only 110 dollars plus tax. I'm still trying to decline because honestly I DO NOT wear my hair down. I straighten my hair once in a blue moon and do just fine with my 10 dollar WalMart version. So she comes at me with the damage I'm doing to my hair with a cheapo one and the warranty and the this and that and I just CAVED!!! I ALWAYS CAVE!!

Somehow I got a green one. I didn't even care. I just wanted to pay for the thing and get outta there. As soon as I was out of eye-shot, I pulled my hair back up into a bun because it was bothering me!! I think I honestly have issues with hair being on me.

Around this time I get a call from the Big O and they tell me I'm in desperate need of two new tires, which was probably what was causing the "RRRRRRrrrrr" sound. I gotta have tires. Alrighty then, stick them on. About 20 more minutes they say. So I walked outside in the freezingness and all the way around the mall so I wouldn't have to walk past the dang straightener kiosk girl and I went back into Maceys to wait for the phone call.

It didn't come. For two hours I sat there. Yes, in an enjoyable massage chair, but REALLY?!! Two hours?! This gave me time to research Herstyler on my phone and I found almost 99% negative reviews. "They're all scam artists from Israel with crappy products that break in a few months and always move so that you can never get a replacement...yada, yada, yada" Just great. I'm used to this by now, but still. Now I'm mad and annoyed so I called the Big O and they said, "Oh, your car has been ready for almost two hours. I guess someone forgot to call you." Yeah, I guess.

The moral of the story is, I probably could've been investing in a newer car by now, I'm the biggest sucker alive, and Big O' Tires wasted two hours of my day. None of those things are morals, but you get my drift.

PS. I'm super grateful to have a car!! Really, I am!! Thanks Dad!

Happy literal birthday TJ!

2009-11-18T19:59:00.000-08:00

There he is!! My beautiful, adorable, sweet, stinking cute, little nephew! He was so excited to come into the world that he decided to come early, and we're so glad he did! I get to meet and snuggle the little man in one week!

Congratulations Lainer and Markie! You're going to be the most incredible parents! And I'm going to be the most incredible aunt...but that goes without saying.

Welcome to the world my love!

It was supposed to be a surprise

2009-11-15T17:54:00.000-08:00

BUT I JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!!

I've been working on this blanket for my nephew for quite a while and I finally finished it! I'm just so stinking proud of my craftiness that I had to share!

I can't wait to meet little Tyler John in just a couple of weeks (he better get here on time)! Talk about a happy Thanksgiving!

All hand-stitched...took a freaking lifetime, but worth it!
Tyler John Andreasen! John after my dad's middle name, so perfect!
The backside.
There it is! The cutest blanket you've ever seen in your life!

Forget you, Crenshaw!

2009-11-14T12:07:00.000-08:00

This dude wouldn't know a chupacabra if it bit him in the butt! I'm a self-proclaimed chupacabra expert, and that is most DEFINITELY the elusive goat sucker!!

Long live chupacabras...except for this poor fella.

Chupacabra Becomes Roadkill - The funniest videos are a click away

Spanglish > sign language

2009-11-12T18:09:00.000-08:00

I was either asked if I was pregnant today or if I had lost weight. I'm praying it was the latter. Especially because I smiled and nodded vigorously in reply.

The sweet custodian that comes into my room to clean everyday speaks maybe ten words of English and I speak maybe twenty words of Spanish...on a good day. We generally just smile and say "Hi" and I say "thank you" and that's the gist of our interaction because unfortunately, we're a little limited. Today she came in and pointed at me, ran her hand down her belly, and had this huge grin on her face with her eyebrows up like, "Huh, well?"

My mind was frantic! IS SHE ASKING ME IF I'M PREGNANT?! IS SHE ASKING ME IF I'M SKINNIER?! I had .2 seconds to acknowledge her with some kind of response...and you know the rest. After school I honestly stood in front of the mirror for quite a while trying to decide if my outfit made me look particularly pregnant or particularly skinny. Yeah, couldn't tell. If a rumor starts going around school that I'm pregnant...holy embarrassment.

"Hahaha...hehehe...well, I thought she was asking if I'd lost weight...apparently not...hahhaa...hehehee..."

Just a heads up

2009-11-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

I probably wouldn't order pizza anytime soon from Papa Johns in American Fork. I'm sure it's a perfectly lovely establishment, that it gets the job done just like a Papa Johns in say, Lindon or Orem, with one major difference.

This past week we took a field trip to Papa Johns (a walking field trip cuz the education system is po). My class went with another first grade class and we had a dandy time strolling through the streets of American Fork, playing some classic "I Spy" and swinging our hands with joy. When we arrived at our destination all of the kids had to cram back behind the counter to watch how they make the pizza. The wonderful pizza-maker had demonstrated the flipping and rolling of the dough and then scooted down to sauce it when one of my little boys turned around and gave me this horrified, eyes popping outta his head, look. I cautiously leaned forward and wouldn't you know it, there was vomit all over the counter and dripping down on the floor. Grrrrrreat. So I grabbed the kid's arm (not a good idea) and told him to go outside right away. He obeyed immediately (for the first time in his life) and brushed up against me in the process. Not only was Papa John's counter covered in 6-year-old vomit, but I was as well.

I waved down the other teacher and just pointed to the situation (somehow the other kids were so entranced by the making of the pizza that not a single one of them had noticed their peer open up and spill his guts right next to them). She told me to go outside with him and took care of it from there. Then I had to use my phone to call his mother, trying desperately to only use my one good hand. She came to pick him up and he got to go home and clean himself all up, but I had to spend the day in a shirt with some unwanted accessories and rub my hand raw with hand sanitizer until I could get back to use a real sink. The most traumatizing part for my other students: I wouldn't let them hold my hand on the way back. That did not go over well.

So long to that field trip. I doubt we'll be invited back next year.

Reason #27 you're jealous of my job

2009-11-02T21:05:00.000-08:00

I GET TO DRESS UP FOR HALLOWEEN!!

Ok, so maybe you get to at your place of work too, but I get to party with a school full of costume-adorned, candy-crazed kids to boot!

I know you've all been dying to see...I WAS A FIRST GRADER!!

I was so relieved that my students got it and actually thought it was pretty dang funny (they don't seem to get the majority of my jokes...lame sauce)! They kept saying they didn't have to listen to what I said because I was just a first grader and not their teacher (so clever they are), but, ha ha, jokes on you, you still have to obey me.

My sweet SONIC BOOM backpack. Do I have any clue what SONIC BOOM is? Not a one, but it's a pirate plane with fire shooting out of it! You can't go wrong with that.
Ready for school!! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! I hope you all got to dress up and party too!

What did the hot dog say when he won the race?

2009-10-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

I'm a wiener!

Hey, that's my face and my name on that award! Unfortunately I can't take all of the credit. My first grade team was recognized by the district for our outstanding collaboration, teamwork, and effort in striving for student achievement. Pretty neato, huh? All of my hard work has paid off. I mean, hello, I got a fancy piece of paper with my name on it! BOOYAH!

And for total cuteness (and a tinge of creepiness due to the blurring of the faces. No, they didn't just watch The Ring, I'm trying to cover my butt), the other day in PE (which I also teach) we were spelling words and making numbers with our bodies and two of my students made a heart for me! I think the little stinkers are starting to win me over!

They approve of my award.

It's called opposition, my friends

2009-10-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

Some people are good and some people are bad. That's pretty basic. I'm sure someone is sitting there thinking, "Now, I don't know if I agree with that. I believe all people are good, some good people just do bad things." Ok, so generally I prescribe to that notion, but I'm only keeping this surface level. So no playing devil's advocate, just go with me on this one.

I've been really peeved all week because of a "happening" this weekend that involves me in a round about way. Some low-lifes broke into my school with a crowbar and trashed as much as they could (student work, bulletins, basically anything in the halls was fair game), stole some computers and money, and busted a bunch of doors into the office, including an unsuccessful attempt into our safe. Come to find out that there have been several break-ins at different schools all around our area and the cops believe it's the same group hitting them all. They've even returned a handful of times to the same schools, so we were told to expect another break-in. Seriously? How far gone do you have to be to target the schools of children who have almost nothing? I just don't understand, and I'm grateful that I don't understand, why some people on this earth make such horrible decisions and choose to hurt other people. Because yes, it is a choice. In the grand scheme of things, is some idiots breaking into my school the worst thing that could ever and will ever happen? Not by a million miles, but it still makes me frustrated with the state of the people in this country and without a doubt, in the world.

And then, one person does something kind to prove that things are not hopeless and that good always wins. And with that, I want to thank the lady at WalMart who brightened my day and changed my attitude for the week. It's almost embarrassing that it was so powerful for me, but I'm always blown away by random acts of kindness, especially involving strangers. I was in the cosmetic section picking up some items for Katelyn, (I guess they don't have Covergirl in Japan...) I slipped some eyeliner and powder into my cart, and went on my way over to frozens to pick up some Lean Cuisines. It was at least 5-10 minutes since I'd been in cosmetics, when from behind me I heard this lady say,

"Oh, there you are! I've been looking for you!" I'm sure I gawked and pointed at myself like an idiot. Me?

"I just noticed you picked up some Covergirl items and I have a coupon here for a dollar off any Covergirl product. You were gone before I had time to fish it out of my purse."

I couldn't stop thanking her and I was infinitesimally close to wrapping her in a big ol' bear hug! It wasn't that I was thrilled at the aspect of saving a whole dollar, it was the fact that this lady went out of her way to reach out and touch another human being. What causes some people to steal and destroy and others to hunt down a stranger in a WalMart to give them a coupon? I have a few answers for that one, but that's another blog post, another time. I choose to believe that most people are good and that most people choose good and choose to help others, rather than hurt them. I often pray that I can be the light in someone's dark day and that I can be inspired by the Lord, even in the smallest of things (like giving a stranger a coupon), to make a positive imprint on mankind.

I love the analogy of turning on a light in a dark room. It's so true. It's just like that.

Hiatus

2009-10-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

So I was scanning my peep's blog roll today when I saw THIS ABOMINATION:

Shoooot...does that seriously have my name on it? Does that seriously say I updated 4 WEEKS AGO?! That is sooo not my style. How did I become one of those people?! You know the ones. We all have them on our blog rolls. And 4 weeks is nothing compared to some of their records. I could rattle off some excuses to pardon myself from this heinous act...and I will.

Excuse #1:

'Nough said. And this just so happens to be an exact replica of my school and my 6 students. I'm the only teacher and the bus driver is five.

Excuse #2:

Seriously...I'm a machine, an animal. If you don't believe me, check it out!

Excuse #3:

I finally caved and started watching. Thank you Hulu for posting all five seasons and destroying any semblance of a life I had left.

Excuse #4:

Shane Sings 5 Octaves on Piano - The best bloopers are here
Cruising the web for epic vids like this. It's my duty and passion.

Excuse #5:

Catching Zzzzs.

And there you have it folks. A day in the life of yours truly and why I have failed my blogging comrades. I vow to remedy the situation and to hopefully, never repeat this tragedy.

To the ignoramuses in the white bronco

2009-09-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

First of all, don't you know that's OJ's car? I wouldn't be caught dead in a murderer's car. Or would I? Second of all, I wasn't flipping you off, I was blocking my eyes from the sun, morons. After the verbal tirade and the display of obscene gestures, then I was flipping you off. See the difference?

Grow-up. And when you do give me a call. (Not really, but I couldn't resist quoting a classic. Well, it's a classic in my book.)

Happy no-Labor day

2009-09-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Technically, I am still being laborious. Can "laborious" be used like that, or just as an adjective? Yeah, I'm definitely not using that right. That's what she said. That word though, laborious, it makes me think of Dexter's Lab because Dexter would always say la-bore-atory. I miss that show.

If you followed that at all, congratulations. What I was trying to say is that it's a holiday and where am I? At school, duh. But at least I am kid-free, so that still qualifies as a holiday in my mind. I got sick of being laborious (Dang, does that girl know she's still not using that right? That's what she said. Yes, I know.) so I'm taking a break and BLOGGING! It turns out that this is one of the ten websites that my school doesn't block, so my options were pretty limited anyway.

Check this out: One of my students pooped his pants on Friday. POOPED his pants! Vomiting, yes, I can understand because that can catch you off guard. Even urinating can sneak up on you, but poop you have to stand there and consciously push the sucker out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, unless it's diarrhea, I'm aware, but this wasn't, or it would've been a nasty, horrifying mess. They all came in from recess and something was smelling a little funkified. I figured that maybe one of them just wafted in a fart, so I did nothing. Then we went to the rug for a writing activity and I called the culprit up to write for us. OOOOOOhh no, that was no lingering fluff. I whispered to the poor boy and asked if he'd had an accident. He told me "no," but it was pretty darn obvious. I took him aside and asked him seriously ten times until he finally admitted to me that he had. So I just sent him to the office and his mom came and picked him up. No harm done, but he was sitting on my rug, I better hose that thing down before I leave.

At church yesterday I thought someone called me a cougar. Well, correction, she did call me a cougar, but I misinterpreted her meaning. I introduced myself and said that I was a BYU graduate, to which this little girl behind me replies, "cougar." I thought this was a reflection of the fact that I was a graduate and therefore, ancient in her eyes, and in a ward filled with UVU freshman. I seriously mind-slapped her. If you're confused one of the new meanings of the word cougar is an older woman who hunts younger men. Yeah, that's honestly what I thought. I was bugged for the rest of church, and finally told my roommate as we were leaving. She informed me that she probably meant that I was a BYU cougar because duh, now I'm in UVU country. Color me embarrassed. Oh, how we laughed.

I figured out why I got off scot-free with the breaking the law three times thing. It's because my precious Mercury Villager had a laundry list of things wrong with it and I had to take it to Pep Boys the other day to get it functioning again. Heavenly Father was letting me swap one huge bill for another. Deal.

I think I've breaked sufficiently and should return to being laborious.

I guess I forgot to knock on wood

2009-09-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

Let it be known from here on out that I am one lucky s.o.b. Now, allow me to start this story off right, beginning with Saturday night. I went to a bonfire with some friends and at some point during the night I introduced the topic of being pulled over, how many times, how many tickets, yada yada yada. This happens to be one of my favorite topics because I thoroughly enjoy bragging about the fact that not only have I never received a ticket, but I've never even been pulled over (better change that to "I'd"). Skip to last night.

I'm driving home from the gym (sans wallet mind you. I mean, who takes their wallet to the gym?) when I blow right past a cop going 40 in a 25. All I could think in my head was, "Ah, here it goes," and just as I suspected, he pulled out right behind, turned on those dang flashing lights, and I was dead meat. The second thought that went coursing through my mind was, "I DON'T HAVE MY LICENSE!" I was surprisingly calm as the police officer walked up to my car and told me the reason he pulled me over.

"I pulled you over because you were going 40 in a 25."

"Yeah, I realize that (no sarcasm, just friendliness and smiles)."

"I need your license, registration, and insurance please."

"Umm, well, I don't happen to have my license because I was just at the gym and I don't always take my wallet with."

"Hahaha, oh yeah, I usually don't take mine either when I go to the gym. But you should."

"Ummm, let me see here. I have a ton of crap in my glovebox. Is this the registration?

"No, that's a Les Schwab bill."

"Ok, yeah, umm, that's something about AAA, um, receipts, here, I think this is it."

"That looks right. I'm not really familiar with Oregon insurance and registration."

"Me neither (giggle, giggle, eyelashes). Insurance, insurance, I know I got it here somewhere...Ah, here it is!"

"This expired in March. You keep looking and I'll go run your registration."

"(Ring, ring) Hey Dad, do you have the current proof of insurance at home?"

"Yes I do. Why, you didn't get pulled over did you?"

"Mmmaybe. Well I need it."

"I could chastise you, but let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

"Very true. Well send that to me asap por favor."

"Will do. (Love you, love you, click)"

"Any luck with that insurance?"

"Umm, well, it turns out that my dad has the current one in Oregon."

"I could give you a big ticket for not having your license, I could give you another big ticket for going 40 in a 25, and I could give you a huge fine, I could even impound your car for not having a current proof of insurance. The stars must me aligned for you tonight because I'm just going to let you go on home."

"They must be. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!"

"You have a good night."

"You too!"

I hope you enjoyed the play-by-play. So, I can no longer say I haven't been pulled over, but I'm still out of the ticket club! Ha ha! I must have better feminine wiles than I thought.

Your prize for reading this whole spiel is one of my favorite videos of all time. Sure brings me back to Freshman year at BYU. Ahhh, the hours wasted on stupidvideos.com. All worth it.

Technologically advanced domestic violence

2009-08-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

My laptop gave me a fat lip. But he apologized and promised to never do it again, so I forgave and took him back. I'm sure it was all really my fault anyway. I'm always demanding so much from him and he works all day and gets worn out and frustrated.

But seriously, I was watching a movie in bed and had my laptop resting on my chest. I guess I fidgeted a tad and the whole apparatus came crashing down into the left side of my unsuspecting mouth. It hurt like the dickens. Be weary of your laptop/body positions.

And so it begins...

2009-08-25T18:18:00.000-07:00

A brand new school year, brand new students, brand new attitudes, brand new challenges, and brand new paths for learning and loving. Today was only the fourth day of school. Did you catch that? The FOURTH! And already I’ve felt exhausted, been tested to my limit, doused fires (not literally...thank goodness), chased after an escapee, repeated myself more times than I care to count, modeled, modeled, and modeled some more, worried about my students’ homelives, fretted about their inability to perform at a first-grade entrance level, seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and realized the overwhelming influence I can be in their lives for good.

It’s been a tough four days for me. I really miss third grade and I really, really miss my students from last year and our incredible bond, but I’ve learned that I possess more power and authority than I thought myself capable of. Last year, my desire to be liked by my students ruled over everything I did and was debilitating at times. This year, of course I want my students to like me, but right now, it’s more important to establish a firm foundation in my expectations and procedures, especially with this type of demographic. I’ve been shocked by the disrespect some of my students have shown me, responding with belligerent “No”s and “I don’t want to,"s “You can’t make me”s. Yesterday, one of my many students who had to stay in from recess told me that if he couldn’t go outside than he was leaving. He got up, put on his backpack, and bolted out the door. I literally had to run after him and stop him in the hall. I told him his choices were to go back in the room and sit at his desk or to go talk to the principal. We stayed in the hall, battling it out, for five minutes until he finally chose to go back to the room. When I told the other teachers on my team after school they laughed and shared their similar stories. I guess this is a whole different ballpark, which I knew and tried to prepare myself for, but what can you really do to prepare? You just jump in with a steady head and do your best I guess.

Today we started making our number books and began with the number one. They had to draw four different pictures of one thing. One of my girls drew a picture of me and labeled it “one nice teacher.” I'll take it and keep going!

Catch-up while my internet lasts

2009-08-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

It's been long-time no-post for me, but my excuse, well more like, my reason, is because I can't seem to keep an internet connection for longer than two seconds. My new roomies might have their own wireless network that I can connect to, but seeing that I only just learned what their names are, we haven't delved into the "Give me the password to your internet" convo quite yet. Well, I've been frickin-frackin busy, so the easiest way to do this is a list of sorts. Seems like I've been doing a lot of those. Bear with me. Hopefully next week I'll find out where they're from, then maybe what their family is like(?), and then I'll jump right into the "Give me your password pronto" business.

1. My bestie Lillian came to visit with her gorgeous daughter Ella! We had such a good time catching up and it was so amazing to see her and to see how much Ella has grown. Get your butt out of Indiana and back here where you belong!

2. I went to visit Dr. Staheli with Lillian and am missing Singers hardcore again. He's the type of person that always makes you feel like you're the most amazing person on the face of the planet, and I think we all deserve that every now and again.

3. I went camping again and we managed to make even more friends this time. And by "friends," naturally, I mean "enemies." We endured a classic old-school cuss-out somewhere around 3 in the morning. I forget how much people can here when you're camping and we were just having a jolly good time. If you know my boisterous laugh, you can see why I felt personally responsible.

4. I went to the Demolition Derby for some redneck, white-trashy kind of fun! I have no idea what would give someone the desire to zoom around and smash into other cars (well I guess it's more the cars smashing into me that I would have the problem with), but I've unofficially added it to my bucket list.

5. I packed and cleaned and packed and cleaned and moved. All of my stuff is still in boxes and I've talked to my roommates, collectively, for maybe 10 minutes. We're still in that awkward strangers creeping around each other phase, but it's getting a wee bit better. It'll probably help when I'm not leaving super early in the morning and coming home super late at night. Oh wait, that'll never happen.

6. I finished setting up my classroom (I'll have pictures up at some point) and have had a myriad of long, strung-out meetings and "celebrations." Yesterday was back to school night and I met the majority of my students and their parentals. I hope you're ready for some crazy stories. That's all I have to say about that. I changed my mind. I'll also say, I'M SO EXCITED, but missing third grade.

7. I got a new student today (I'm at 19 now, so stop whining. Jkjk) and he has never gone to school before in his life. His mom said she "homeschooled" him for kindergarten, but this kid could not even write his own dang name! I got a handful with this one. Fun fun.

8. Tomorrow is the first day of school!! Has another year really started?!

Selachophobia

2009-08-11T22:31:00.000-07:00

Another Shark Week has come and gone, reminding me, once again, that sharks are terrifying. If you are unfamiliar with Shark Week (living under a rock), let me educate you: Annually, the Discovery Channel dedicates a week of programming to the most abominable creatures on earth (sharks) in July or August (minus a few episodes of Cash Cab that they snuck in). I don't know who the head-honchos at Discovery Channel are, but they're freaking geniuses. I think it's safe to generalize here because their ratings shoot way, way up during Shark Week, but I really think that people are fascinated by things that they're horrified of. Shoot, I'll be the first to admit it! Maybe it's sick in some kind of self-damaging way, but I just can't seem to get enough of the thing I despise.

Without further ado, I introduce my list of useful (life saving) things I learned from Shark Week:

1. Sharks can see/hear/sense movement from roughly, a million miles away.

2. Sharks have freaking huge, powerful jaws that will rip your limbs off your body.

3. Sharks hide in shallow, murky water for the ultimate surprise attack.

4. Sharks swim faster than you do.

5. Some sharks can survive in salt and fresh water. I'm talking about attacks in rivers, people! Or lakes, canals, pools, bathtubs...

6. Sharks are always hungry...ALWAYS!

7. Sharks have dorsal fins for the strict purpose of making you crap your pants.

8. Sharks are plotting to take over the earth.

Happy swimming!

Drumroll please

2009-08-07T16:02:00.000-07:00

And the total iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis...18! I have 18 students in my class! No worries, your eyes are fine, that is actually a 1 and an 8! That is 12 less than I had last year...12! I don't know if you're familiar with numbers, but that's a HUGE difference! Seriously, 18 I can do in my sleep. That's 10 boys and 8 little girls! My class is going to look like one of those TV show classrooms. You know, like on Boy Meets World? Oh man, that made my day! Bring on the kiddies! 20th, here I come!

Changes

2009-07-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

Change is good, right? At least that's what I hear. Change has always been something I'm generally averse to. I like being comfortable and I like being safe. I don't think anyone would attribute the quality of "risk-taker" to my personal list of character traits. So for me, this is really going way, way (did I say WAY?) out of my norm. I'm making BIG life changes!

As you all already know, I'm moving to a new school. It's old news, but still a huge change for me. What you might not know is that I'm moving (as in actual moving) to Orem. The contract is almost complete and then I'll start moving in. The townhouse is new (built in 2007), two stories, fully furnished, it has a washer and dryer, and I get my own private room! The only downside is that I don't know a SOUL that lives in the area. I'm starting from scratch here people! This makes me so nervous, but I know it will be good for me to learn to put myself out there more.

The community is called Blackhorse Run. Isn't it beautiful?!

While contemplating my move, I decided to treat it as a kind of a New-Years type situation. Meaning that I should also make personal changes about myself that I've been "attempting" for years. This decision led to the birth of a new blog, a weight-loss blog. There's not much on there yet, and I'll still be posting to this blog, so it's not a replacement just an addition. I've never been open and honest about my weight problems and how much it affects me, but I am now. I have to beat this. It's no longer an option.

Please follow my journey, I need your love and support: www.morechinsthanachinesephonebook.blogspot.com

Thank you to all of my family and friends who read this blog and love me no matter what!

3 completely unrelated bits of info, all equally awesome

2009-07-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

1. I got this rad shirt in the mail from my dad. He thought it was funny, which makes me think it's funny. If you can't tell, that's Pluto all by itself at the puny table. My dad is the coolest. I love him. THANKS DAD!

2. I discovered an unconscious habit of self-mutilation. I always attack the same place and I'm always sleeping. Today when I woke up I had a long scratch on my chin with lots of dried blood. I have noticed several scratches in the exact same area on my chin before, but never with that much blood, so it finally just dawned on me what's been going on. What do I do about this?! I'm deeply concerned for my chin's well-being.

3. I found this video on youtube and was truly inspired. Watch it to the end, you won't be sorry. There are heroes all around us.

Pioneer day!

2009-07-26T23:24:00.000-07:00

The 24th of July is a big holiday in Utah, even though other people in the country are like, what the heck is so cool about the 24th?! People get work off and everything, so it must be legit. For those who don't know, July 24th, 1847 was the day that the first group of mormon pioneers entered the Salt Lake Valley after being forced from their homes in Nauvoo, Illinois.

I've always been a sucker for a good pioneer story and am truly grateful and appreciative of the immense struggles that they endured to be free from persecution. It was recently pointed out to me that trains were beginning to be built around the same time that the pioneers left to walk over 1000 miles in extreme and bitter conditions. It wasn't too long after their journeys that the building and use of trains expanded. At first hearing this I thought, really Heavenly Father? You couldn't have let them wait just a few more years for a stinking train?! But then I realized that that would have defeated His purpose. The sacrifices that the early pioneers made are greater than I can even comprehend, but the Lord was testing them to the full extent so that they could exercise their faith in Him and become so strong that they could not fail. Isn't it amazing that we have such incredible ancestry, and also kind of frightening that we have so much to live up to?

So, what better way to celebrate than by attending a good ol' fashioned American rodeo?

Rodeos are like car crashes. It's kind of horrifying to watch, but you can't look away. Have you guys seen the kids riding the sheep event before? Man, those parents must be nuts. The poor kids were getting trampled! Everyone kept assuring me that sheep can't do much damage, but I was not buying it. You're telling me a sheep hoof to the face of a 5-year-old child can't do any damage? Let's ask the sobbing kindergartener. It was all good fun though, accompanied by some redneck country music, wranglers, and a few mullets.

After the rodeo we went camping and ended up right next to some nasty, drunk, horny dudes. They kept offering us beer, smelled highly of illegal substances, and at one point offered us a big log (their words, not mine) while we were looking for firewood...I'll leave it at that. If you're dirty-minded enough to understand, I apologize. Awesomely enough, they happened to be from Oregon. What can I say, we got that type.

All in all, it was a classic commemoration. Happy Pioneer Day everyone!

Addendum to "Driving and waiting (and some fun)"

2009-07-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

Battery installer man: Looks like I'm all finished. Let me just get your card and I'll go ring it up.

Me: Oh hey, the other guy gave me this fifteen dollars off thing.

Battery installer man: Which guy?

Me: The guy who jumped me.

Battery installer man: (Furrowed brow, shifty eyes, awkward pause)

Me: The guy who jumped...my...battery.

Battery installer man: Ha, oh right! I don't know what I was thinking.

Me: (I do) Hmmm...yeah.

Battery installer man: Card, please.

Driving and waiting (and some fun)

2009-07-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

Tuesday: 4 hours

I drove to American Fork to visit the district office and turn in my official contract. Wa-hoo! Then I hopped in my car to head home, but my car wouldn't start. No wa-hoo. At first I decided to sit there for about twenty minutes, cross my fingers, and see if it would magically start. It didn't. So I decided to do what I should've done twenty minutes beforehand, and called AAA. Someone was coming to save me, but I had to sit around for an hour and wait for the guy. Did I mention it was a million degrees outside? I think this picture conveys my dismay.

The smart car guy finally showed and it turned out that my battery was a goner. He jumped it, but said to call again as soon as I got home for them to come out and give me a brand-spanking new battery. Meaning I had to sit around and wait again, but no complaints, I was just thanking my lucky stars that this happened the day before my road trip to California! Oh, and it turned out I got totally ripped off, paying 120 bucks for the stupid battery, but what's new. Dang, look at the nice car!

Wednesday: 8 hours

With my shiny, new battery successfully installed I booked it across four states to my final destination of Apple Valley, California. Don't be fooled by the pleasant name, it's a straight-up desert. I failed to take a picture, but if you google the word "desert" you'll get the right idea. But I was there to visit my preggie sister so I forgave the landscape and the heat.

Thursday: 3 hours

Elaina, her husband, Mark, Heather, and I all drove to Las Vegas from Apple Valley to see The Lion King! It was absolutely incredible! The costumes alone make you want to pee your pants! And when they open their mouths and bring the house down with their singing, it's all over. A must see folks!

This was Elaina's hundredth attempt to take a picture of us using my iphone...still blurry, but does the job.

We stayed that night at the Luxor. So cool! Thanks to the french-canadian man who didn't seem to have too much trouble with the iphone.

Friday: 3 hours

You guessed it, we drove home.

Saturday: 6 hours

We all thought a romp to the beach would be delightful, but were unaware that it was Huntington's beach 100th anniversary and some Hurley's skating/surfing competition was going on. So to make a long story short: Traffic, traffic, traffic, zero parking, crazy crowds, did I say zero parking, finally beached at 4 in the afternoon, stayed for two hours, and drove all the way back home.Me being sad in the car because we're right next to the dang beach, but can't seem to get on it.

We made it! Let's all smile.

Sunday: 8 hours

I made my way back across the states to arrive safely in Provo. And I also learned something about myself, I get a great deal of satisfaction from seeing idiots pulled over by cops on the side of the road who had zoomed past me earlier. Maybe that makes me a bad person. Oh well.

Total driving and waiting: 32 hours

Being with fam: A little pricey. You know with the battery, gas, food, tickets, and all.

Hahaha...all in fun! LOVE YOU GUYS! It was a blast and worth every second!!

#1 tearjerker

2009-07-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

You know those head-aches you get from crying too much? Yeah, I'm having a little of that. I'm not trying to be all emo and I'm not telling you that my life sucks either. All I wanted was an enjoyable night at the movies. C'est la vie.

My roommate bought her ticket outside at the ticket-buyer ATM thingie, but I had to go inside because I was using a gift certificate. When I asked for one ticket to My Sister's Keeper, the smug child behind the counter asked, "Only one?" Shoot, DID I STUTTER?! Yes, one, you nimrod. I felt compelled to tell him that the person I was to be seeing the movie with already had her ticket and was waiting "just over there" for me, but I didn't. I also felt compelled to call him a moron, but I didn't do that either. We all have regrets.

Movie begins, cue hysterical sobbing. Movie continues, increase hysterical sobbing. Movie ends, go wipe off your nasty face and head promptly to McDonalds to console yourself with mcflurries and french fries.

So my roommate and I have nominated this movie for the number one tearjerker of all time. I mean, it's a rare movie when I don't shed a tear at some point (not including the moments I've wept because the movie is lamer than lame and I'm lamenting the ripe Hamilton I spent. Yes, I'm talking about you, Year One), but this movie was nonstop crying from the first dang minute.

What are some of your nominations? And be honest folks, I don't want to hear any of that "I had something in my eye" nonsense.

The 3 most annoying people at the airport

2009-07-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

1. The person who saves a spot in the check-in line for his entire immediate family, extended family, old high-school buddies, and childhood imaginary friends. Apparently they're all traveling together and feel no shame in cutting under the rope in front of several other angered travelers.

2. The person who complains loudly for all to hear about having to toss their beloved diet coke at the security checkpoint. He/she looks around all exasperated like, "Who's on my side, right people? Can you believe this? Like I'M a terrorist?! Puh-LEASE!!" But really, everyone just wants to punch him/her in the mouth and get a move on. Nobody cares about your diet coke, and for all we know, you are a terrorist.

3. The person at the gate who apparently wants everyone to know their bid-ness because he/she is literally shouting on their cell-phone. I know you think Logan cheating on Megan with what's-her-name is the most ludicrous thing you've heard in years, but nobody here gives a rat's a so please go talk somewhere else at a much lower decibel.

This is, by no means, a complete list of all of the annoying people at the airport, just of the three that I encountered this time around. Why was I at the airport you ask? It could only mean one thing, I'm back in Provo.! (I couldn't decide between a period or an exclamation point, so I just used both. It's sort of like a choose your own punctuation.)

Now it's work, work, work time on setting up my new classroom and figuring out where I'm going to live after August...yikes!

PS. I got kind of lazy and never blogged about my fourth...but it was awesome, so I figured I'd squeeze in a shout-out. I went up to Washington with my fam and saw the best fireworks I've ever seen in my life! We were right on the beach with hundreds of other families and they'd all spent a butt-load of money on these crazy fireworks. It was two straight hours of non-stop huge, ridiculous fireworks all surrounding us. SO AMAZING! And generally I'm a little underwhelmed by fireworks, but being right in the middle of it was so incredible! Yay for Washington and for not making all of the cool fireworks illegal! And yay for America!

A tasteful haiku

2009-07-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

Not Hoku, the mildly talented songstress of my middle school soundtrack (WHO'S WITH ME?!)A haiku! It's the form of poetry so easy a four-year-old can do it! I would even wager that Hoku could write a pretty mean haiku. I mean, we all know that she's not just "Another Dumb Blonde." Zuh-to-the-ing! (WHO'S WITH ME?!)

The depth of loathing.

Putrid, mammoth, repugnant:

This pile of traffic.

I kind of copped out on the second line by just using a string of adjectives, but I was already bored with it. I guess the original point of this post seems to have gotten lost in my meaningless Hoku babble, but basically... I hate traffic. And namely freeway traffic, for miles and ridiculous miles on end.

And Hoku.

Not really on the second one though.

Salem Ink

2009-06-29T15:59:00.000-07:00

A wise man once said, "You're not hardcore unless you live hardcore" (Irrelevant and meaningless points to anyone who can name the jocular theologian). Well, obvi I want to be hardcore!

This lifestyle choice leads me to such hardcore actions as getting the occasional henna tattoo and *punching kittens in the face!

Check out the latest installment to my hardcore collection of temporary tatts:

I'm digging this one fer rillz! Got it done at The World Beat Festival. SHOUT-OUT TO MY HIPPIES!

*Before you go all PETA on my ace, I have never actually punched a kitten in the face...that I recall...purposefully.

PS. It's Jack Black. Props to my homegirl Katie Lewis!

iTunes...you sly little devil

2009-06-26T16:36:00.000-07:00

You just have to put in all of your info once. One time. That's how they get you. If I had to go through some long, troublesome process that begins with getting my lazy, phat butt off of the couch, retrieving my wallet from my purse, and ends with typing in all of my info again and again, then I would be saving myself a great deal of money. Trust me, having to do that has deterred me from many a foolish internet purchase.

iTunes is very reminiscent of my favorite ye olde (and unfortunately, illegal) invention, Napster. Click and purchase! Of course, the key difference being the word "purchase." With Napster it was more like click and feel guilty for two seconds that you just downloaded free music. Which I liked much better. And yes, I am aware that there are a multitude of sheisty ways to still download free music, but I'm trying this new thing in my life called not stealing. So far, so good.

I am a frugal person by nature, and I would even venture to say that I am very wise with my money, but I've been bitten by the iTunes bug and the darn thing is draining me! Spending fifty dollars in one night on music downloads might be alright for you Gates and Hiltons, but not for a modest intern who received half of a Utah teacher's salary (Utah teachers being the lowest-paid teachers in the country thank you very much). This is just a heads up that I might need some kind of iTunes intervention if this gets any worse, but on the upside, I am totally digging my music collection!

Daddy's girl

2009-06-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day to the best dad on earth! I mean, look at that face!

LOVE YOU!!!!

Adventures in babysitting

2009-06-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

This past week I got to babysit my two favorite kiddos in the whole world (until Elaina's gets here anyway...and on that occasion I guess we'll just have to make it a top three). We traipsed all over Salem, holding hands and giggling like Chinese schoolgirls. Alden came too. We hit up Sunnyslope Park, the public library, McDonalds, the Gilbert House, Dairy Queen, and Waterfront Park (including the carousel...obvi). Can you say PARTY?!
My favorite part was when people would side-smile at me like I was the luckiest mother in the world to have such stinking cute children.

"My goodness gracious, they are so adorable!"

"Oh, well, yes, thank you."

Best version of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" I've ever heard. At the end Abby says, "I want to go to school!" So young and already so responsible! Sigh, I raised them well.

Happy excerpt

2009-06-17T19:32:00.000-07:00

From Katelyn's latest letter: "Melissa, today I could have sworn I heard you say my name. It was really weird because first, I thought I heard your voice and second, I thought I heard someone call my first name (it's been awhile). Anyway, someday you'll come to Japan and it will be real. Love you." (Grammatical liberties may have been taken. We will forgive the non-English speaker for the time being.)

This made me so happy:)

That's all.

Bad news, good news

2009-06-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

BAD news:

My school laptop completely crashed. Dead. Kaput. Ruined. Done for. You see? It could be worse...and it is. I was sans any type of computer so I was using it as a personal laptop as well. Bye-bye itunes, photos, documents, yada, yada, yada...

GOOD news:

My school's tech guy is a freaking genius and he was able to retrieve the hard drive and upload the entire thing in one little folder onto my fancy mac that I got for graduation. This was double awesome because one, all was not lost and two, it saved me from having to transfer all of it.

BAD news:

As you all know, my school doesn't have a position for me next year, which has put me on the desperate path of trying to find a job. At first I was getting zero calls for interviews, which was bad. Then I was getting calls and going on interviews but had zero offers, which was worse.

GOOD news:

The office lady at my school was so sweet and totally looked out for me, so every Wednesday when they posted new jobs she was the first person to check them out. The Wednesday of the last week of school, she faithfully got on her computer and there was only one new job posting that I was qualified for, a first grade position at Greenwood Elementary in American Fork. She immediately went to my principal's office and told him to call on it. He stopped what he was doing and called that minute. So the principal from Greenwood called me right after school to set up an interview. She wanted to do it the following week because of the craziness of the last week of school, but I was leaving to Oregon, so we scheduled a quick one for the next day.

I drove over after school on Thursday and she had only asked me a few questions when she said she didn't even want to finish the interview. She said she had a rave review from my principal and that she could just tell that I was a great teacher and that I knew what I was talking about. She said we better finish just to be professional and she basically promised me the job right there on the spot. Everything was working out perfectly and so quickly! She took me on a tour of the school and introduced me to the other first grade teachers, and it felt so comfortable and right.

But since the job had just been posted and I was the first person she had interviewed, she had to keep it open for two weeks and interview other candidates (rules...), so she said that unless anything came up where she had to take someone else (like from the district) to expect an offer in two weeks. I was ecstatic, but knew that it wasn't 100% secured.

I am happy to announce that I got the official call yesterday and I finally have a job for next year! I truly feel like everything worked out the way it was supposed to and that the Lord was just testing my faith and ability to wait on Him. And did I mention that Greenwood is the exact opposite of Rocky Mountain? It's a title 1 one school, which means that it's in a really low-income area and receives more funding. Almost all of my students will be low-income and I'll have a lot more diversity and english language learners. I could not be more excited about this! I just know that I can really make a difference for these kids.

BAD news:

For graduation in April my mom ordered a bunch of teaching books off of Amazon with games, art projects, organization tips, etc. and I would rush home everyday to see if they'd come yet. After a few weeks she found out that she hadn't put in my apartment number so the entire order had been returned to the headquarters and we had to reorder everything. I was annoyed because I wanted to start using them before the end of the year, but that wasn't going to happen.

GOOD news:

All of the books were for third grade, which wouldn't have been very useful at all next year. Because of the mix-up we got to reorder everything for first grade. YAY!

Yes, I realize that was a huge, long post, but I have really felt the Lord's guiding presence in my life recently and he has turned some really frustrating situations into great blessings. At the risk of sounding cliche, I am seriously, so blessed!

Because I am b.o.r.e.d

2009-06-10T14:00:00.000-07:00

A pretty cute kid if I say so myself. How about it Jason? We can make this Mrs. Mraz schtick a real thing.

No one should be allowed to do anything except entertain me when I'm home.

And I painted my nails, which I never ever do. They're hot pink now. I'll admit that I feel a little bit cooler.

Lucy, I'm HOOOOOME!

2009-06-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

See proof:

Feather was mad because I licked her face. What is up with that?! Doesn't she know that we have the same germs? I've been telling her this for years. I know you all are jealous of my fam damily. I would be too.

And FYI, I met my eternal companion at the airport and even had dinner with him, but he forgot to ask for my number. He's so silly that way. So, I guess I'm over him.

Sending you love from the best place on earth...OREGON!!!!!

Before and after

2009-06-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

BEFORE :)

AFTER :(

It took weeks to put up and only two days to take down. Bye-bye room 102. You were good to me. The next teacher better do you justice.

I thought it would never come

2009-05-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

But it did...and WAY too fast. You know what I'm talking about people, the last day of school. It was almost embarrassing how much I was crying. I say almost because I was with the group of people that I feel the most comfortable with, and who were probably sobbing as much as I was, so why be embarrassed?

It was a very short day. We first watched the slideshow that took me hours and hours to make because, hello, I am a perfectionist. But it was well worth it because it was a very special moment looking at pictures from our entire year together. Then I read them a Curious George book on graduating and moving on, which for a normal person would've taken 5 minutes to read, but for a person who bawls the whole way through, it takes a little longer. Then I called out each of their names and they came up to get their diploma and a book I'd bought for them. Then it was time for them to leave and nobody wanted to. I think I had to literally force them out of the room.

Then at the teacher luncheon they paid a tribute to each teacher that was leaving the school and we had to say a little something. Then came the embarrassing tears because I was crying more than the teachers who were retiring and had been there for a million years! I told them all that my kids were use to the this, but they weren't, so bear with me. Why am I cursed with uncontrollable emotions?! It was a hard, hard day and I am going to miss those kids, the faculty, and the school like crazy, but I know that the Lord is in control and will put me where he needs me next year.

True patriotism

2009-05-28T16:56:00.000-07:00

One.more.day. Bittersweet to the max, emphasis on the bitter.

Happy Memorial Day Grandpas

2009-05-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

I spent my Memorial day like (and I'm assuming here) the majority of Americans by sleeping in, being happy I didn't have to go to work, watching the Jon and Kate + 8 marathon, eating some leftover pizza, creating a stupid Facebook quiz, and in general, being lazy. This I tell you regrettably because of course, there are a million other better ways I could and should have spent my time.

Tonight, I am thinking about my grandpas. Both have now passed on and both served our country in the military in some capacity. I couldn't be more proud. I only knew my maternal grandfather for a few short years, but I was blessed to live just down the lane from him and my grandma, which has left me with a plethora of fond memories. My paternal grandfather passed away more recently and it was a hard time for all of us. Both of these men were incredibly strong and loving and always strived to do what was right. I was looking through some old papers and found this sonnet that I wrote just a few years ago for an English class. It's a small tribute to a great man.

My Grandfather’s Saxophone

Pressed to his lips, the reed of the old sax,

His agile fingers posed and prepped to play.

With a sharp breath, the melody attacks,

I close my eyes as all thoughts pass away.

The kind of comfort one can only find

In music, in joy, in Grandfather’s life.

Notes dancing and gleaming, together bind

We our hearts, our souls, our troubles and strife.

It always seemed to me, his sax played him;

Taken over by song and love steadfast.

He played the way he lived, from every limb,

Thinking of others first, and self, last.

But too much of life, not one man can stand,

He plays now for Jesus, in Heaven’s band.

Kiwis? That's what she said

2009-05-24T23:52:00.000-07:00

Friday, as a third grade, we walked to a nearby park for a wonderful day of water activities set up by some awesome parents. On the walk back, I had an unfortunate encounter with an open little child. Out of nowhere he just decides to tell me his kiwis are freezing. I looked at him and responded with, "Your kiwis?" But as the words left my mouth I realized what he was talking about and my eyes widened in horror. Oh dear heavens, did I just say that out loud?

Another boy overheard and started laughing uncontrollably. And when one of my girls asked him what he was laughing about he said, "Boy stuff." I thought it was over. But then 10 seconds later he came back with, "Well I guess girls have kiwis too, they're just bigger."

ENOUGH! ENOUGH!! I immediately put an end to the anatomy lesson and, as I like to think, saved the innocence of several third graders.

What are these parents teaching their children?!

Achy breaky heart

2009-05-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

Chandler: Miss Wettlaufer, I know who you should marry.

Me in head: Please don't be trying to set me up with your weird uncle like everyone else.

Me outloud: Oh, really? Who?

Chandler: Billy Ray Cyrus.

Me in head: What in the WHAT?!

Me outloud: Billy Ray Cyrus? First of all, he's already married. Second of all, he's way older than me.

Me in head: Third of all, BILLY...RAY...CYRUS?!

Chandler: Yeah, I was up all night thinking about it.

Me in head: You were up all night and the best you could come up with was Billy freaking Ray Cyrus?! I'm doomed.

If you can wrangle me up a Billy Ray Cyrus circa 1992, then we'll talk.

Keep Wettlaufer!

2009-05-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

I've been delaying this (inevitable) post mainly because the subject sucks and I want to think about it as little as possible. I found out several weeks ago that I won't be able to return to Rocky Mountain next year. The full explanation is confusing and dry, but the gist of it is that they're getting new interns and our student population is dropping. As an intern I knew that I was only on a one-year contract and that a full-time position was not guaranteed, but I just kept hoping and praying...a lot. When I got the official word I was, is it too dramatic to say, devastated? But my kids were even more so. I waited for a couple of weeks to tell them, but one morning I finally spilled the beans and they were not having it. Ever since that moment they've been in full combat mode. They've launched what I like to call their "Keep Wettlaufer" campaign, and I'm afraid that they believe if they picket and petition enough that I'll miraculously get to stay. I've tried so hard to explain the situation to them, but they still look at it as if I'm getting fired.

Their first plan of attack was to create a "Peace Treaty" for everyone to sign. I kept telling them it was actually called a petition, but apparently, they didn't believe me. I'm their teacher, what do I know?

Then began the endless barrage of "Keep Wettlaufer" signs that started mysteriously popping up all over the school.
A group of them even went into the office one day with "Keep Wettlaufer" signs taped on pencils and started marching around chanting "KEEP WETTLAUFER!" This is not a joke. Luckily, the office ladies are well-humored and thought it was sweet.

So naturally, the word has spread and most of the other students (that even know me or care) know that I won't be there next year, which leads to notes like this:
I believe that says "No offense" at the bottom and I will definitely not take any. In fact, I will gladly accept that sentiment. (She must have forgotten about you, Mrs. Parker)

All of this boils down to one fact: I am jobless. I'm touched and I love that my students care about me this much, but I am still jobless. I've been making the rounds for interviews and so far, no one is biting. Pray for me. Or better yet, hire me.

On Monday I left early to go to a few interviews, and when I got back on Tuesday, this note was tucked into my laptop.

He's never done sight words before because he's too nervous to do it in front of the class, but he did it! And he did it again today! Oh man, I just LOVE my kids. LOVE LOVE LOVE them.

PS. Despite what you might have conjured up in your head, pry fraces=fry phrases.

Perfect timing

2009-05-12T22:14:00.000-07:00

I just got hit in the face by a falling gutter. That's gunna leave a mark.

The inadvertent experiment

2009-05-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

Step aside Pavlov, salivating dogs are old news. I don't think it's any secret that teachers condition their students, but even I was surprised by the extent of it.

Everyday I read to my students from a novel for about 15 minutes right before lunch ("lunch" being the key word). We're currently reading Holes, a GREAT book, and my students are obsessed with it! So today when we had about ten extra minutes towards the end of the day, I pulled it out for a quick read. My kids all settled down, anxious to hear the fate of the two main characters. Listening with rapt attention (if only they were always this quiet...sigh), I scanned the room and noticed that they were actually licking their lips. Odd, but nothing too unusual. After a few more minutes a group of students began complaining of hunger, to which everyone quickly agreed. Then it dawned on me...I TOTALLY PAVLOVED MY KIDS! They connected the dots and realized why they were hungry. They're such geniuses! This opens up a whole realm of possibilities. Oh, science!

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

We made the cutest Mother's Day presents! I'm pretty sure I made these when I was in third grade, and I actually remembered because I had the bombest teacher in the world. So I figured since I want to be the bombest teacher in the world I should make them with my kids too. The kids tore up little pieces of construction paper and then added some paper mache (with cinnamon to make it smell good...I'm so smart). Then they molded them into a heart shape! After two days of drying I hot-glued the pins on. Now their moms will feel forced to wear some "beautiful" jewelry made with love...and a lot of paper mache.

I think I look pretty good in mine. I was grateful that one of my students pointed out that I shouldn't wear one because I wasn't a mom. Great...thanks. Like I wasn't brutally aware of that fact. But I told him that I had 30 kids, so I totally showed him. Then I decided it would be better if I gave it to Tammy Papritz, my third mom, visiting Utah for Autumn's graduation. She loved it and wore it proudly!

But really, happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful moms out there! This is the best video ever! It's so true...I'm assuming.

Charity sometimes faileth

2009-05-06T20:02:00.000-07:00

All those blessed enough to currently reside, or to have ever resided, in the land flowing with milk and honey (of which I mean Provo, naturally) can attest to the fact that Provo, Utah has more shopping-cart toting homeless per capita than any other LDS college-town according to the Department of Nomadic Statistics that I just made up. But all cruel hyperbole aside, and let's face it, I'm a bleeding heart, I do what I can now and then to help them out. I like to feel the warmth of a deed well-done.

I was not in particular pursuit of that warmth this afternoon as I drove home from yet another crazy day at school, but as I stopped at the intersection I couldn't help but notice the middle-aged man on my left holding a sign that read: STARVING, please help. I mean the "STARVING" was in all caps! How could you not help?! I contemplated just handing him a modest amount of money, but figured I had the time to go get him some actual food. I pulled into the closest joint, Burger Supreme (not too shabby), and picked up a little combo. I quickly realized that this man had placed himself at the most inconvenient intersection in all of Provo and I had to go clear back up the Parkway to turn around and give him the food. I swung around and to my utter disappointment, the man was no longer there! It had only been five, ten minutes tops. Ah-HAH! I spotted him on the opposite side of the median at the bus stop. I knew I was going to have to go through the trouble of turning around again, but I was not giving up.

Not one minute later I get to the bus stop just as he begins walking toward to the dumpster behind some Japanese restaurant. He was not joking about this starving business! By this point I was so determined I think I would have followed this man into a caged shark fight. So I hightailed it through the parking lot, rolled down my window, pulled up alongside the dumpster and called, "SIR!" Ohhhhhh NO!!! NO, NO, NO, no...no....no. The man was not dumpster-diving, but was doing the other thing homeless people do with dumpsters: peeing behind it. Now, I don't know who was more horrified by this situation, but the man must have thought that I was yelling at him out of anger and was going to call the cops because he zipped up and literally started sprinting. All I could do was look up to the heavens, shake my head, and shout, "REALLY?! I mean, REALLY?!"

My determination killed beyond the shadow of a flicker, I sped home and felt somewhat sick as I ate that juicy burger and those crispy fries dripping with fry sauce. The thought of stealing a homeless man's food is not very appetizing. Not to mention the image of him urinating behind a dumpster.

The classic conundrum

2009-05-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

You might say, "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" But you would be wrong.

How can you love someone(s) and dread the day you have to leave him/her/them with the passion of a thousand burning suns, but want to strangle them at the same time?

Yeah, it was one of those days.

But hey, free dinner at Noodles and Company for Teacher Appreciation Day (yes, officially today). So things are looking up!

Teacher Appreciation Week

2009-05-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it pays to be a teacher...especially at my school. Oh man, they spoil us good! This week was teacher appreciation week and the PTA loves to celebrates the heck out of it! There were wonderful gifts for us everyday of the week. On Monday morning the PTA made an incredible breakfast for us, which was so rad because I never eat breakfast and by lunchtime I'm definitely feeling the grumblies. Tuesday was wear your teacher's favorite color day! My favorite color is turquoise and my beautiful students all looked adorable wearing it. (I wish I'd had the presence of mind to take a picture, but alas...) Wednesday was bring a flower to your teacher day! My children had my room overflowing with beautiful flowers and it smelled heavenly!

Then Thursday was bring a piece of chocolate to your teacher day! Sounds delicious right? I thought so too. But please, for the love of toffee and almond Symphony bars (which my kids know are my favorite and lead to the seven you see here), tell me what I am supposed to do with this much chocolate! No worries though, I'm definitely not complaining.

And today was write a letter to your teacher day, by far, my favorite! I also got an amazing basket put together by my parents with books, scrapbook stuff, jewelry, restaurant certificates, etc. Oh, and also...three more symphony bars. No joke. Remind me to get a new favorite candy bar.
I have the best job in the world and the best PTA in the world!

conGRADulations

2009-04-26T16:06:00.000-07:00

When I told my kids that they were getting a sub because I was graduating, they were definitely a little confused. They demanded to know when I took classes, and my favorite guess was, during recess. Yes, in only 15 short minutes a day you can earn your college degree! This led to my feeble attempt to explain what an intern is. They seemed satisfied with this, and the day proceeded as usual until just 30 minutes before I was to leave for commencement.

(Intermittent gratuitous graduation picture)

Just as we were starting our math lesson, my amazing supervisor, Lori, came through the door and surprised us all with celebratory Krispy Kremes! As we were all happily munching on our doughnuts Lori played a little trivia game and asked my students random questions about me. Some questions I knew they would know, but others I wasn't too sure about, but they got every single question correct! I was so touched that they had remembered all of these minor details about me and my life. Some of the things I had probably only mentioned on the side or clear back at the very beginning of the school year. And I thought they never listened to me. Haha...but seriously.

(Intermittent gratuitous graduation picture)

Then, holy cow, Lori really wanted to see some tears, so she went around the tables and had every student say something they loved about me. I was overwhelmed by every student's sincere and heartfelt compliments. I wish I had a recording of their precious, genuine words of love. What really sent me over the edge was how insightful many of them were on my individual mannerisms and quirks. One said that they love how my shoulders shake up and down when I laugh really hard! One said they love how I always call them "hun." One said they love how cuddly I am when I give them big, bear hugs. Couldn't you just die?! And I don't mean because he was basically calling me fat, but because it's so sweet! Oh man, I love these kids with my whole heart. Leaving them is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

(Intermittent gratuitous graduation picture)

Thursday was commencement and President Uchtdorf and Elder Nelson spoke. Wonderful! Then Friday was my actual graduation ceremony where I got to walk and receive my diploma! My dad and Sheila were there and I was so grateful! We had a wonderful weekend together and it was such a thrilling feeling to know that I am now, officially, a teacher!

(The end)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2009-04-20T18:22:00.000-07:00

WHY YEAH-YEAH?! WHY?!!!!!!!

http://www.tmz.com/2009/04/20/sandlot-kid-arrested-for-smacking-gf/

It turns out our parents were right

2009-04-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

Better think twice about swallowing any seeds.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1169861/Shocked-Russian-surgeons-open-man-thought-tumour--FIR-TREE-inside-lung.html

All the pretty little horses

2009-04-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

I miss my kids. I miss my classroom. I miss my school. I miss being called "Miss Wettlaufer" (so cute, right?). Spring Break has truly been HEAVENLY, but I'm ready to get back. So eager in fact, that I spent all day Friday in my classroom cleaning, organizing, and getting things ready for this coming week. When I'd finally had all the prep work I could handle for one day, I packed up and hopped in the van to head home.

I had just turned onto State Street when two horses came galloping out of the neighborhood on my right and dashed out into the middle of traffic. I was so surprised at the scene and their majestic beauty that my breath caught in my throat. All of the cars came to an immediate stop and just froze for an extended moment, watching these horses run free. It was clear they had broken loose and were enjoying their brief liberation. I had this burning desire to follow them, but I felt stuck, mesmerized. A honk from behind jolted me into reality and I continued on my way home. I still regret that I didn't turn and join them. Just for a while. I love being a teacher. I really do, but sometimes I feel like I'll hate myself forever if I just let that be enough. A dear friend recently asked me if I would be perfectly happy and have no regrets if I taught for the rest of my life. I said yes, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. Now I know the answer is that I would regret never really trying for a career in music. That has always been my lifelong dream. If I try and nothing comes of it, at least I can hold my head high knowing that I truly tried. I just don't know where to go from here.

And again...

2009-04-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

Gravity by Sara Bareilles

Totally random pictures, but I needed something! Soon I will post a non-singing post. I promise!

Make me famous: www.youtube.com/MelissaWettlaufer

Welcome the newest member of the youtube community

2009-04-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

Having nothing to do can be very relaxing. Having nothing to do can also be very boring, and can lead you to actions so self-indulgent you're embarrassed to admit them publicly on your blog. But yet, you do, because apparently you're maybe just a little bit full of it. So, to make a long story short, this is how I've spent the entire day:

I created a youtube account and posted the thing for the world to pick apart my voice, and my face, and to destroy any shred of confidence I possess. What fun!

Check me out: http://www.youtube.com/MelissaWettlaufer

PS. I went to the Britney Spears concert last night thanks to the coolest friend ever, Autumn Bottom! And I've come to the conclusion that there is an actual curse on me when it comes to concerts and cameras (See Adele). The minute I pulled mine out, dead battery. Oh great. Thanks camera gods. What did I ever do to you?! Here's my review: Raunchy, dirrty, half dancing, half mouthing, lethargic, THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE, entertaining.

Q: What's the most terrifying situation in the world?

2009-04-13T14:58:00.000-07:00

A: Waking up in a sweating panic, realizing that you didn't wake up to your alarm clock, and are inevitably screwed.

Now, don't try and debate me on this because I am the expert on terrifying situations. I would accept, however, having your limbs torn from your body by a blood-thirsty, diabolical shark while wading in a kiddy pool. This morning I woke up to the sun streaming through my window (not a good sign when you're supposed to be up at 6), let out a primal scream, and fell out of my bed (literally). Of course in my manic attempt to grab my cell to check the time, I knocked it clear under my bed. Cursing myself for having no actual clock in the vicinity of my room, I savagely ripped through various boxes and suitcases until I finally located the stupid thing. 9:15! I am so dead. Why didn't my roommate wake me up?! She is so dead.

Now, let me ask you another question: What's the most relieving situation in the world?

A: Remembering that you're on Spring Break! I'm an idiot.

Happy Spring Break to me! Oh man, I deserve it.

Happy Easter

2009-04-12T16:04:00.000-07:00

John 20

1 The first day of the week cometh Mary Magdalene early, when it was yet dark, unto the sepulchre, and seeth the stone taken away from the sepulchre.

2 Then she runneth, and cometh to Simon Peter, and to the other disciple, whom Jesus loved, and saith unto them, They have taken away the Lord out of the sepulchre, and we know not where they have laid him.

3 Peter therefore went forth, and that other disciple, and came to the sepulchre.

4 So they ran both together: and the other disciple did outrun Peter, and came first to the sepulchre.

5 And he stooping down, and looking in, saw the linen clothes lying; yet went he not in.

6 Then cometh Simon Peter following him, and went into the sepulchre, and seeth the linen clothes lie,

7 And the napkin, that was about his head, not lying with the linen clothes, but wrapped together in a place by itself.

8 Then went in also that other disciple, which came first to the sepulchre, and he saw, and believed.

9 For as yet they knew not the scripture, that he must arise again from the dead.

10 Then the disciples went away again unto their own home.

11 But Mary stood without at the sepulchre weeping: and as she wept, she stooped down, and looked into the sepulchre,

12 And seeth two angels in white sitting, the one at the head, and the other at the feet, where the body of Jesus had lain.

13 And they say unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? She saith unto them, Because they have taken away my Lord, and I know not where they have laid him.

14 And when she had thus said, she turned herself back, and saw Jesus standing, and knew not that it was Jesus.

15 Jesus saith unto her, Woman, why weepest thou? whom seekest thou? She, supposing him to be the gardener, saith unto him, Sir, if thou have borne him hence, tell me where thou hast laid him, and I will take him away.

16 Jesus saith unto her, Mary. She turned herself, and saith unto him, Rabboni; which is to say, Master.

17 Jesus saith unto her, Touch me not; for I am not yet ascended to my Father: but go to my brethren, and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father; and to my God, and your God.

18 Mary Magdalene came and told the disciples that she had seen the Lord, and that he had spoken these things unto her.

19 Then the same day at evening, being the first day of the week, when the doors were shut where the disciples were assembled for fear of the Jews, came Jesus and stood in the midst, and saith unto them, Peace be unto you.

20 And when he had so said, he shewed unto them his hands and his side. Then were the disciples glad, when they saw the Lord.

21 Then said Jesus to them again, Peace be unto you: as my Father hath sent me, even so send I you.

22 And when he had said this, he breathed on them, and saith unto them, Receive ye the Holy Ghost:

23 Whose soever sins ye aremit, they are remitted unto them; and whose soever sins ye retain, they are retained.

24 But Thomas, one of the twelve, called Didymus, was not with them when Jesus came.

25 The other disciples therefore said unto him, We have seen the Lord. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.

26 And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.

27 Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.

28 And Thomas answered and said unto him, My Lord and my God.

29 Jesus saith unto him, Thomas, because thou hast aseen me, thou hast believed: blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.

30 And many other signs truly did Jesus in the presence of his disciples, which are not written in this book:

31 But these are written, that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that believing ye might have life through his name.

What's math without a little satanism?

2009-04-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

Thanks to one possessed student, grading papers is now more entertaining and horrifying than ever! We were learning about area and I guess he thought that three sixes would be better than one! TRIPLE ANSWER!! Wrong, satan worshipper, put the crayon down. Also note, the unfortunate color selection. Proving by the correct answers, I am proud to say that I'm teaching the demon a thing or two. Math must be satan's strong suit.

THE DINOSAURS? Yes, please!

2009-04-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

Please tell me you remember this show! I randomly stumbled upon this and was in pure blast from the past mode for a good ten minutes or so. How could I have forgotten the genius masterpiece that is The Dinosaurs?! Best.show.ever.

Hello. My name is Melissa Wettlaufer. And I'm an afrinaholic.

2009-04-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

You know what I love? Breathing. You know what I hate? Not breathing. Afrin detox is an excruciating thing. Only a sledgehammer could break through this wall of snot. Brutal. Misery. Woe. Never start my friends. Never start.

The devil?

Oh, the humanity!

2009-04-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

It's not a habit of mine to compare petty holidays to terrifying disasters, but in this case I'm willing to make an exception. My April Fool's Day could be assimilated to the fall of the Hindenburg. The majority of the day passed with nothing even slightly remarkable happening, and I was actually quite surprised that none of my clever students had ventured a (and I repeat, remarkable) joke or two my way. I was fairly disappointed and vowed to not let the day escape with the biggest prank pulled being a glued-shut letter.

As I was polishing off the last few bites of my lean cuisine, a stroke of genius came calling my name. Now, some people have great ideas maybe once or twice in their life, and then they discover electricity or fire or outer space or something. Unfortunately, my great idea did not pan out quite as well. Here's the plan: I type up a super hard phony test. Then have the vice-principal call down to our classroom telling me to go pick up the tests that we discussed in faculty meeting to make it sound totally legit. I run and grab the copied tests out of my box and read the directions to my students before passing out. The directions would say something to the effects of that this test is their 4th grade entrance exam. If they fail the test they will have to repeat third grade. If they are caught talking or cheating, their test will be taken from them and they will fail. They have ten minutes to take the test. Then administer the test, while my students sweat a little. But then after ten minutes I'll have a great big, jolly laugh, proclaim, "APRIL FOOLS" and all my students will laugh heartily and say things like, "Oh man, Miss Wettlaufer, you got us good!" and "Haha, oh boy, classic!" High-fives all around, chuckle, chuckle, chortle.

All went perfectly according to plan, except for the end bit. It was more like administer the tests, and watch as 30 distraught students begin bawling their eyes out. It took a few minutes for the sheer panic and tears to kick in. I thought, Mmmm boy, I'm the funniest teacher around. These kids are eating right out of my hand. That was the calm before the storm. Cue hysteria. Oh right, they all truly believe that they are going to have to repeat third grade. Ok, hmmm, yeah, ok, I can see how that might be a little more stressful than I had originally imagined. By the time I'd gotten around to the seriously disturbed students (I whispered in their ears that it was a joke, which really didn't seem to help the situation at all) there was only a couple of minutes left out of the ten, so I figured I might as well stick it out. I prayed that their relief would outweigh their terror.

At the end of the ten minutes, most students had only butchered, excuse me, answered one or two of the questions, and to say that their horror was evident would be an understatement akin to saying that Charles Manson is disagreeable. So I went back over to the directions page and said that there was one last thing I was supposed to read when the ten minutes was up. Here goes nothing, "APRIL FOOLS!!!" At the eruption that followed, I seriously pictured the cliche scene where the sound travels from the room to the building to the neighborhood to the world. Classic. I was promptly tackled by 30 enraged 9-year-olds, swearing dire revenge. They were not happy with me, to say the least. They're still whining about how it was the meanest joke ever. Yeah, yeah, cry me a river. Oh right, you already did.

Just call me Mrs. Mraz

2009-03-31T18:25:00.000-07:00

Do you see that ridiculous rock? I'm sure you're desperately deliberating, real or not?! Well, allow me to end your internal debate. It is the flawless cut, color, and clarity of unblemished plastic. I was greeted this morning by a giggling group of girls who produced the ring and forced it onto my finger, demanding to know who my husband is. Now, all of my students are very much aware of the fact that I am relentlessly single, and they never let me forget it, not for one peaceful moment. Their will to marry me off is astounding. This being their latest ploy. Maybe, just maybe, if they demanded that I have a husband it might miraculously come true. After several unconvincing cries of my hopeless singlehood, I finally declared my secret marriage to Jason Mraz. My kids were ecstatic and called me Mrs. Mraz for the remainder of the day to the confusion of many an outsider, including my afternoon parent volunteer. Oh dear, what have I done?!

I love you Snookums!

Disclaimer: The ring seriously is on my left hand. Photo booth reverses the image you know. Don't worry, I'm smarter than that.

I love feeling like a hippie

2009-03-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

It must be my Oregon roots, but I get a truly euphoric feeling of elation whenever I participate in an activity and can say, "Wow, a hippie would enjoy this." I'm sure it's quite blasphemous to describe a Hindu festival as a "hippie-esque" experience, but that's my reference point anyway. Yesterday was the annual Festival of Colors at the Krisha temple in Spanish Fork. The festival is a celebration in memory of the miraculous escape that young Prahlad had when Demoness Holika carried him into the fire. Holika was burnt but Prahlad, a staunch devotee of Lord Vishnu, escaped without any injuries due to his unshakable devotion. They light a bonfire to signal the beginning of the festival and then all participants throw colored chalk (really corn meal) all over each other while dancing around and singing along to the band playing the Maha Mantra. In one sense it's terrifying because you can't breathe or see anything, but putting that aside, it really is quite an incredible experience. I love feeling close to nature and other people, and I've learned, once again, that I can have spiritual experiences and feel close to heaven in all places and through all religions.

Creepsters

2009-03-25T19:43:00.000-07:00

We had an assembly today to watch the dress rehearsal for the dance festival that our spanish immersion classes put on every year. In the middle of the show, one of the office ladies bursts in through the back doors and frantically motions for me to come back. My mind starts racing and I'm freaking out because clearly she is freaking out. What on earth?! I jump out of my seat and power walk to the back of the gym. She proceeds to tell me that she just got a phone call from one of my parents (immediately I'm thinking I'm in some kind of huge trouble...but no, thank goodness) and the mom said that she had an extremely disturbing voicemail on her phone from some stranger talking about her daughter who's in my class. She didn't have a lot of details, but the mom said to keep a close eye on her and that she would be there right after school to pick her up, and to not tell her daughter anything about it.

So, I'm freaking out the entire afternoon just waiting for some major creepster to walk into my classroom and try and take my sweet girl or something. I would not let her go to the bathroom or anything and I walked her out to her car after school. She definitely seemed a little confused by the extra attention, but man, I was going to protect that girl with my life. This girl is little Miss Lindon, so I'm guessing it was some messed-up fan or something. I don't know. Can you say, SCARY!! Ahhh, geez. I need to stop watching SVU.

How can I keep from singing

2009-03-24T19:18:00.000-07:00

Corny? Maybe. True? Beyond a shadow of a doubt. This weekend was an absolute joy for me and exactly what I needed. We had a Singers reunion. I've only been out of Singers for a year, but it's been very trying on me. I don't know if I've ever missed anything more in my life. Singers is my family and always will be. People from the past 25 years of Singers came from all over the country to be part of this wonderful moment.
We sang three songs in Saturday night's concert. All were beautiful, but without a doubt my favorite choice was "How Can I Keep from Singing." It was incredibly poignant for all in attendance, and nothing would make me happier than to just sing for the rest of my life.

My life goes on in endless song
above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
while to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
how can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble sick with fear
and hear their death knell ringing,
when friends rejoice both far and near
how can I keep from singing?

Is this irony?

2009-03-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

I've been really digging the universe lately, but then it goes and tries to have me killed! It all began at school, as usual. We wrote epitaphs. You might be thinking, what kind of bizarre and twisted third-grade teacher makes her students write epitaphs?! But as my good friend Polonius says, though this be madness, yet there is method in't. It's for the anti drug unit we're doing and they had to follow a certain poetic form, so yeah, I would say there is some measure of educational value. As I was saying...we wrote epitaphs.

Then comes the ironic bit. School's over, I'm driving my merry self home, belting my soundtrack of the moment (The Color Purple), going 50 down State Street in the center lane, when this MENTAL person zooms INTO MY LANE out of the gas station on my right. This was the first time in my life where I have had to literally suh-lam on my brakes and every bit of junk in my car (we're talking a lot of junk here people) came flying into the front two seats. I still can't fathom the fact that there was no actual collision. From my vantage point, my honking van was totally devouring the despicable culprit. We must have been centimeters, MILLImeters, from total catastrophe. So, I did the only logical thing, instantaneously pulled into the left lane and sped up to verbally and mentally abuse the idiot through mouthed-words of anger and terrifying glares of impending death. To say that I was surprised to discover that the offender could have been a top contender for a leading role in The Golden Girls would be a bold-faced lie. Quite the contrary, I expected it (no offense, Grandma). I'm shooting this oldie the strongest death glare I can muster, my arms are flailing in disgust, I'm spewing the unpleasantries, and Queen Elizabeth in the next lane over appears to be completely oblivious to the fact that she almost just caused a major collision. What's more, she appears to be completely oblivious to the fact that some enraged stranger is doing everything in her power to draw her attention. Well I definitely wasn't going to stick around crawling along at 30 mph, so I finally just took off. No harm done, I guess.

It wasn't until I got home that it dawned on me that the universe was probably punishing me for messing with epitaphs. Joke's on it though because I clearly have cat-like reflexes. Some people just don't know when to retire the old license, and I do mean old.

You don't fool me with that grin. READ ME!

I smell the smelly smell of a photoshop nerd

2009-03-16T19:40:00.000-07:00

Or of masterful crossbreeding. Either way...SUH-WEET! This liger is 2 legit 2 quit.

My deepest secret

2009-03-14T12:46:00.000-07:00

During random emotional experiences (good or bad) I often wonder what Britney Spears is doing in that exact same moment. This is no laughing matter. Please help me.

I've had nightmares about this day

2009-03-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

I knew it was inevitable. I tried to ignore the signs. But in the end, there was just no escaping the truth. One of my rats had gone missing. Now please, try and understand my horror at this discovery.

It all started when I came into my room this morning to drop off my things and head to the library for our meeting (Praise Heaven #1: it was a professional development day and there were zero children present). Having the keen eye of a teacher, I noticed that the huge bag of candy on my desk had been tampered with. There were various pieces of candy and wrapper strewn about. This was the first sign, but my immediate reaction was that it must have been some little thieving child/group of thieving children, and I planned a good, thorough talking-to. I scowled and headed out to my meeting (Praise Heaven #2: I closed the door behind me, which I NEVER do).

After this and that and a little more of this and that, we were sent back to our rooms to work on some more this and that (Praise Heaven #3: I was with the third-grade team, not alone). So we're working hard (or hardly working...am I right?!) and, second sign, I keep hearing all these weird noises coming from my desk-al area. I just ignored the sounds and chalked it up to natural causes, ie. my junk everywhere. We keep working and chatting and whatnot and no one else seems to notice anything unusual, but I begin freaking out a little on the inside because I'm definitely hearing some distinct, crawling and scurrying noises. I mean, that ain't no pile of paper alls up on them ziploc baggies.

Which leads us to sign the third, checking the rat cage, seeing the mangled, wooden door, and finding not the usual 3, but 2 rats. Oh joy. I publicize my findings and my teammates, being the heroes they are, book it out the door and send in reinforcements: the principal, vice-principal, computer teacher, and the janitor. The rat race that followed is definitely a gem of a memory I will always treasure. The rascal was eventually caught, but escaped the trap and ran directly back into his cage. I couldn't help but think of homing pigeons. You would too if you were me.

Our dear, sweet janitor quickly whipped us up a new door for the cage, but my team still refused to go within two feet in any direction of my classroom. Needless to say, I'm going to be hecka paranoid until those things are out of my classroom.

Way good movie.

A montage of goodies

2009-03-06T20:07:00.000-08:00

One of my cute, little girls was in the school storytelling competition today. She had to tell her story to the lower grades (K-3). She is such a pro, so natural and clever.

And she was the third-grade winner! I was so proud!
Just because they're hecka cute. They love these vermin. And I love them.
Which brings us to the real reason for this post. We were nonchalantly taking our spelling test this morning when there was a knock at our door. This was odd because most people just bust right in, so I went to open the door and I was blown away by what I saw. My twins' father was standing there holding this huge rolled up rug! He told me he had noticed that our poor, current rug had definitely seen better days, and he could not have been more right. I bought the pathetic thing at Savers (a second-hand store) at the beginning of the school year. It is way too small, only fitting about half of my class, and is shredding and fraying away to nothing. Not attractive. This generous dad owns a carpeting business and had taken the liberty of making us this beautiful rug that fits all 30 of my kids and is just too perfect for words! I was so touched and honored by his incredible kindness and thoughtfulness. Need I say I was a wee bit teary-eyed? BEST - GIFT - EVER. When things like this happen it just renews my faith in humanity. There really are so many good people in this world.
Then tonight, Alyse and I went to Casey's baby shower. We had a making play-dough babies contest. Hmmm. Alyse was hardcore mocking my gangly baby, but I don't think hers is anything to shout about. I attempted to get a leg up by making her anatomically correct, but Alyse strictly forbade it, which, in the end, was probably for the best.
Can you believe this girl is due in 4 days?! She does not look big enough! Love you Case! You're going to be the best mom ever!

It's officially official

2009-03-05T22:03:00.000-08:00

I ordered my cap and gown yo! Do I think that it's ridiculous that BYU made me drive around for twenty minutes trying to find a parking space and then walk 10 miles anyway to the WILK and then drag my tired body up to the third floor and then walk through a confusing maze of announcements and diploma frames, only to get on the INTERNET and order it in two seconds? Yes. Maybe they haven't heard, but the internet can be accessed from many a location. But that is beside the point. The point is that it is done, and I am graduating my gallies!

62 pages later...

2009-02-24T19:29:00.000-08:00

The stupid thing is done! I'm sorry, did you miss that? DONE!! I feel a Beowulf reference coming on, and I don't even like Beowulf! But I must say this feels comparable to slaying that nasty ace, Grendel. It's my Teacher Work Sample my friends and if you don't know what that is, I'll spare you the gory details. Tomorrow morning it will be out of my hands and way, way, way out of my mind. My feelings can best be described by this inspirational viral video dance sequence.

You're welcome.

Instead of counting sheep...

2009-02-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

I draft blog posts in my head. I think I'm at my most creative when I'm half-conscious. Only problem is, I never remember any of my genius prose in the morning. Hopefully, one of these days I'll have a fully-conscious, semi-original thought. Last night I composed a true beauty. But you'll just have to take my word for it.

This is slightly comical. HEY...I said "slightly," aight?

Also, I got my hairs cut! Enjoy my hottness.

Something I think doesn't make sense

2009-02-17T14:39:00.000-08:00

The term, "slept like a baby." So, you woke up every two hours, cried, and pooed your diapey? We should rethink this one.

Pop! Goes my heart

2009-02-13T15:45:00.000-08:00

To: The sexiest man alive, *Joaquin.

From: ?

Joaquin,

I Love yoU! When I look into your eyes I see you and I.

Love,

Your secret admirer

PS. I hope this hits you as hard as it hit me.

*Name changed to protect the crushee.

No, no, this is not a personal exclamation of love, but is, in fact, a secret valentine from one of my students to another student. Mind you, the letter above is an exact word for word, letter for letter, comma for comma quote. If stifling a ridiculous outburst of laughter to spare humiliation was a sport, trust me, I would have earned a gold medal for this one. My biggest wish at the moment would be that science had invented a scratch-n-sniff blog because woof, did that letter suh-mell! It was dripping with some kind of musky perfume I'm confident she borrowed from her grandmother. This can't lead anywhere good.

Besides the aforementioned valentine's, our party was a hit and we all had a blast. It was almost a second Christmas for me, and these were definitely two of my most, um, interesting gifts. A pineapple and a criminal teddy. Those kids are definitely getting more creative. I suppose it's nice after the lifetime supply of lotions I've accumulated.

The note on the pineapple says: There's never a "dole" moment with you as my teacher. So cute! Also, today I made some comment about their desks driving me crazy because they always move them out of their formation and one of my boys yells, "Our desks might drive you crazy, but I'm crazy about you!" Man, you just can't make this stuff up! I love them.

Jeepers creepers, where'd you get those peepers?

2009-02-10T18:00:00.000-08:00

I've been long overdue for an eye exam, so I finally moxied up and made the appointment. Does anyone else ever feel extremely awkward when getting their eyes checked? I always feel like it crosses the line of comfort, which I guess would follow suit with any kind of doctor visit, but staring into some stranger's eyes for prolonged periods of time just crosses the border for me. I don't know you, sir. This is too intimate, thank you. I would rather not discuss my family and plans for the future while gazing into your deep, bottomless pupils. Then he has the nerve to tell me I have astigmatism in my left eye. Ok, so I'll pretend I know what that means and go home and google it. Check, please?

Holy dilation, Batman!

IPOD: Inspirational Piece of Dreamery

2009-02-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to be in movies (among a million other things) and I often like to pretend I am. The IPOD just makes it that much easier. I have a soundtrack wherever I go.

To immortalize in www glory

2009-02-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

We started working on these around Christmas time, but due to my ineptitude with technology, we've finally just completed them and watched them today using a projector. If I was a betting wo-man, I would say that to the general public at large these might be...how you say...boring? But it was a laborious labor of love (and of winning technology points with the supervisor) and I think they're pretty dang cute.

Snowflake Bentley

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

The gamut of emotions

2009-02-05T20:32:00.000-08:00

Today was definitely one of "those days." I'm not sure what the exact qualifications are, but I'm sure you'll agree.

SCENE 1: The day started normal enough, but in a matter of minutes my kids decided to ruin any peace or tranquility we'd started the morning with and translate into complete and utter T-E-R-R-O-R-S! I was two seconds away from making them line up military style and backhanding them as I walked down the row. DON'T TEMPT ME! But I decided to do the sane, legal thing and just made them sit down, shut up, and listen to me while I lectured them for ten minutes. I really wanted to make them stay in from recess as punishment, but what I wanted even more was them out of my sight, so I sent them each out the door with a mental kick in the trousers.

SCENE 2: They sauntered back in after their break, the very picture of repentance and sorrow. I could tell my dear children had been hit pretty hard and they wanted to make it up to me. I was enveloped with their endless hugs and loves and all was forgotten and well with the universe. The cherry on the top was this present from some of my girls. They ran into the book fair during recess to buy me this pointer and the librarian helped them type up this sweet poem to go with it! Could they be any cuter?!

SCENE 3: I let four of my boys stay in during lunch to practice this "dance" they had choreographed for their Friday performance in Music. We had to record this almost ten times because I was dying laughing and they kept getting mad at me. I finally got things under control and they got through it. I think they're pretty dang hilarious. Later on in the day they made a sign for their dance that read: "WARNING! This dance is romantic. PG-13." I would have to agree.

SCENE 4: After lunch we were working on our stories for the week and I was conferencing with kids in the back. At one point I looked up to do a quick check of the room and I saw one of my boys just sobbing at his desk. I was shocked because he's my big class clown, tough kid and I've never seen him get upset about a single thing. I took him out in the hall and I mean, talk about sobbing! This poor kid could not even get out two words together. In this entire year, I have never had a single student produce as many genuine tears as he did at that moment. This child was truly, deeply suffering. My heart was just breaking and I started to cry with him. We just sat there for a while crying (him more than me, don't worry) and when he was finally ready to talk he told me what had happened. It's a long story, but another boy was going around saying something about him to all the other students in the class that wasn't true. So I talked to that boy and he genuinely felt pretty bad about it and I had them sit out in the hall to talk it through while I was inside talking to the whole class. I started crying immediately (my kids are used to this by now) because I was still pretty worked up over it and just ached for my poor kid and I told them that I never, ever wanted to see another student in our class that hurt by someone else in our class. I was so disappointed that they'd all contributed to it and had just let it keep going around the room without trying to put a stop to it. Everyone felt so sorry and I saw most of them apologizing to him throughout the day completely of their own doing. They really are good kids.

SCENE 5: They all left for the day feeling closer and being dolls to each other. Then I had parent conferences that were just absolutely incredible and amazing! All of my parents just went on and on about how much their kids love me and how I'm changing their lives and all that wonderful, mushy, warm-fuzzies junk. One of my parents even made me start crying...the good kind of crying (and in my defense, it was an emotional, crazy day, so the tears were already right at the brim). They all just made me feel like I'm really making a difference and have been way more impactful than any past teachers have been and more than I could ever realize or know. Here's to everything paying off!

I TALKED TO KATELYN!

2009-02-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

I actually head her voice! She is now in the air heading for Japan.

Life is good...but also a little more not good.

The Lord said to Noah, there's gonna be a floody, floody

2009-01-30T16:40:00.000-08:00

We've had this little leak in our water heater closet for the last little while, and the guy came out to fix it today. He's actually still here, fixing it, which is why the post. I was talking on the phone with Bottom in my room when I just knew something was wrong. Call it women's intuition, call it the sound of exploding, rushing, gurgling water, whatever you want to call it, but I just could not ignore the gnawing feeling to sleuth out the situation. So I bid adieu to Bottom and nonchalantly stroll down by way of the kitchen. Let's just say I was not surprised to find our kitchen drowning in weird musty smelling water, our entire living room splattered like a Pollock, and the poor guy calling in reinforcements in his soaking jumpsuit. The next thing I know I'm handing over my one and only towel and tracking down matches. Why would he need matches you ask? I didn't, I just followed orders to save my apartment. Now confined to my room, I'm growing increasingly starving and tired, lulled by the mellifluous sound of the water vacuum.

100th day of school

2009-01-28T17:09:00.000-08:00

To celebrate the 100th day of school my kids drew portraits of the 100-year-old version of themselves. And naturally, hilarity ensued.

When Noah's 100-years-old he will be a terrorist in drag.

When Trey's 100-years-old he will be a harelipped pedophile.

When Max is 100-years-old he will be a hot dog-eating Poindexter.

When Madison's 100-years-old she will have dark circles under her eyes...literally.

When CJ is 100-years-old his neck will be as thick as an early Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Fair enough.

So much to look forward to.

Ok, that's really cute.

Ah, rats!

2009-01-26T19:24:00.000-08:00

We finally filled up a tiny, little jar with pom poms, or "pet poms" as we christened them. It only took us five months. And yes, that is an indicator of my student's combined craziness. The long awaited day finally came and I had to make good on my promise. Enter stage right, three adorable pet rats!

They were all sleeping together and it was way cute, but the dang beam is blocking one of them.

HE IS SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL!

2009-01-25T22:32:00.000-08:00

GAH!

One time he told me I was a good dresser.

The end.

The Friday night play-by-play: A google image photo essay

2009-01-25T20:17:00.000-08:00

Bottom (Autumn) and I went to the bombest concert ever this Friday night! A to the D to the ele (aka. Adele)! I am not kidding you, if you do not know who this singer is you MUST MUST download some of her stuff. She is absolutely incredible! Unfortunately, while waiting in line, the bouncer guy announced that you had to have a photo pass to have a camera.

So like the good, little honest girl I am, I trudged miserably back to my car to stash my camera...and my school's camera (Shhh...don't tell. It takes better photos). And of course when the concert began, every stinking person in the joint whips out a camera, flashes away, and NOTHING happens! No confiscations, not even a single verbal reprimand. Needless to say, I have zero pictures of the eventful outing so I am imploring google images to assist me in my regaling. So we got to the theater about three hours early so we could be the first in line!

And our plan worked famously until we decided to traverse a mere ten feet to grab some Subway where the tricksy employee conned me into buying a 5 dollar foot long when all I really wanted was a 6 inch.

After our five-minute excursion we returned to our dutiful posts, when what to our wondering eyes should appear, but a not so miniature hoard of people in OUR line!

Maybe what seemed like a hoard of people was actually only 10-15, but seriously they got there lightning fast and our dreams of being first in line went up in flames, much like Tom Cruise's career. We booked it to the end of the line and were greeted by a charming boy and girl pair from BYU Idaho. We became insta-bffs, bonding over our love of Adele.

As we stood there freezing our bums off and sucking in the delicious smog, Adele walked from her bus into the theater and then 30 minutes later or so, from the theater to her bus DIRECTLY past us. We greeted her like the cool, calm, and collected fans we are and she waved, but was generally being all shy, which could be due to her humility or to the fact that she didn't have her make-up or hair did.

When they finally opened the doors we trampled all those who hesitated, made a mad dash for the stage, and our dreams were reborn from the ashes as we safely secured ourselves a spot in the front row, nestled right against the stage. While waiting for the opening act, this crazy drunk girl was trying to force her way to the front. She kept saying she was Adele's cousin, which I did not believe (That's funny...I'm her sister), and that she had come all the way from Jersey to see her, which I did believe cuz she had a very unpleasant accent. The girls just behind us were not having it. They started cussing and pushing and crazy, drunk, Jersey, cousin girl started cussing and pushing back. I was anxiously anticipating witnessing an all out brawl when my bouncer friend came to show crazy, drunk, Jersey, cousin girl who's the boss. So opening guy sings (James Morrison), did way good, but I was definitely ready for Adele. She finally came out to do her set in all her cockney-ed, poncho-ed glory and just KILLED it! She is so soulful and GAH! She also had three delicious black british men in her band, which just added to the euphoria. After listening to two hours of pure heaven, we floated back to our cars and headed off in opposite directions to go home. The delightful inversion (which has kept my kids in all week...Grrrr, and apparently is so bad that we should all carry one of these around in our back pocket)was so thick and schmarmy that I was, at times, quite convinced I was going to drive off the side of the mountain and just keep blindly chugging along until my car exploded into a million pieces, leading me to my inevitable fiery doom. Clearly this did not happen, and I made it home in one-piece, although Autumn said she would be content with two. Definitely a good night.

Thank you Chinese Gourmet

2009-01-21T19:08:00.000-08:00

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

2009-01-19T17:26:00.000-08:00

So I feel somewhat ridiculous that this is juxtaposed with the previous post, but in all seriousness, this still gives me chills. What an amazing man!

Expose: Racism and the third grade

2009-01-18T19:04:00.000-08:00

So here's something, Friday we were playing a quick little game of password. If you're not familiar with this game, the "player" tries to guess a word (the "password" I suppose) and everyone can only give them one word clues. My kids seriously LOVE this game and we play it all the time. This particular day we were playing Password: Extreme Social Studies Edition. So I'm throwing out words like pioneers, wagon, service, maps, continents, treaty of versailles, 95 theses, etc. (Those last two may or may not have been actually used) The last word I put up was "community." A pretty simple, harmless word. But this poor child up in the front of the room could not think of the word if his life depended on it! All the kids were dropping hints like atomic bombs and still this kid was completely clueless. Of course they start getting silly because they're sick of this word and they just want to get on with it. So, one of my kids calls out the hint "stupid people," which is a complete violation of the rules for three reasons.

1. You have to raise your hand.

2. You can only give one word hints.

3. You can't say anything moronic.

But alas, the hint is given and the "player" in the front, with all the confidence in the world, yells "black people!" After placing my bulging eyeballs back into their respective sockets, I end the game and finally just tell the kid what the password was. After scanning the room, it seems that there is not a single other person who is as stupefied or shocked by the player's brave guess. I give my kids some crap to do and then I take the player back to my desk to discuss. He claimed that he was responding to some earlier hint given, and in all fairness, we did learn about black oppression in Social Studies, so I guess in some twisted way, it could have been the password. I really wanted to give him a good shaking and lecture him on the importance of political correctness, but in the end, I chalked it up to bad timing and the kid got off scotch-free. I still pray I'm not harboring some evil-genius clan member. Stay classy kids, stay classy.

New year's resolutions according to third graders

2009-01-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

Rockband, always a top priority.

Hey, she copied my list!

You don't say...

Well this is obviously very important.

VERY important.

Officially winter

2009-01-11T22:09:00.000-08:00

It was bound to happen. I've just been waiting for it. Readying myself for it. For whatever reason I am EXTREMELY prone to making a fool of myself when there is even the slightest hint of snow/ice on the ground. Ask any of the dear roommates I've had throughout the years who have witnessed/heard regalings of my precipitous escapades, and they will just chortle in agreement. In my mind it is officially winter now that I have christened it with a bruised coccyx.

So Saturday night I'm running all around (and I do mean quite literally since I was in a hurry to head off to a movie and because my ward is spread out all over south Provo...almost) putting up flyers for ward choir. I book it up the stairs to this tiny little complex, take two big strides into the hall and suddenly my feet are in the air and I'm flat on my butt, lying on the world's smallest ice-skating rink. To add insult to injury, all of my flyers go flying (hmm...too literal/punny for my taste) over the railing. I scrambled down after them, but all was lost. They'd become bonded to some car and the surrounding area. I tried scraping them off, but gave up the ghost and walked home as quickly as injury would allow to hand-make brand new flyers. I'm just mad that no one was there to witness because I've been rewatching it over and over in my mind, and man, it's hilarious, right out of a movie.

But maybe not as funny as this:

Or this:

Shoot...are you serious?!

2009-01-07T19:38:00.000-08:00

Apparently Utah is fiercely (morally?) against canceling school. I guess two feet of snow is not grounds enough for a snow day. Although, my car would whole-heartedly disagree.

Check out my school. This picture so does not do the real thing justice.

So buried right now.

A questionable question

2009-01-06T16:46:00.000-08:00

I'm still not exactly sure what he meant, but I was sitting down talking with one of my students today when he just straight up asked me if I had a beard on my nose. Ok, so traditionally beards grow in the chin-al region, true? I've also been educated in the way of mustaches, which, if I remember correctly, grow on the upper lip...not to be confused with the nose. And he better not have been saying I have a mustache! Not knowing what he meant, and not really wanting to, I glowered and retorted with a no. I better do a close-up examination tonight and pluck any questionable hairs.

Something akin to kismet

2009-01-01T23:51:00.000-08:00

There's this one scene in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button where they chronologically explain every minute occurrence, down to the second, that ultimately leads to some big event, and if one, single thing had happened differently then it would have changed the entire course of events. I was mesmerized by it. It's something I've always thought about. How and why things happen. How all of our lives connect and how the seemingly most innocuous acts of daily life affect those around us, even complete strangers. Some people would call it the butterfly effect. Is everything really all planned? Is there really such a thing as fate? Are we just bumbling human beings coincidentally colliding with other bumbling human beings?

This afternoon I went to see a movie with some of the family. We were running a little late, as usual. My dad had to pick Heather up from her friend's house and when they got back, Elaina, Mark, and I dashed out to the car, ready to hit the road. But Heather had to run in and change and Sheila was hurriedly trying to finish getting ready. In just a few minutes everyone was piled in the car and we were on our way. As we rolled onto the freeway we quickly had to hit the brakes. Just seconds ahead of us, a car, coming the opposite way, had run across the median and crashed into a semi-truck. The citizen response was immediate and swift as good samaritans raced to help. Sheila jumped out to provide whatever medical assistance she could. The man was severely wounded and had be life-flighted to OHSU. The last we heard, he was still alive and I pray that he still is.

I couldn't help thinking that if we had left even a minute earlier, Sheila wouldn't have been there to help. If we had left even a minute later, we would have been stuck in the traffic and Sheila wouldn't have been there to help. If we had left even a second or two earlier, it could have been our car that he hit. Of course I would claim to believe that there is some higher plan, that today we were supposed to be there at that exact moment to do what we could to help. Life is wonderful and interesting and frustrating and heart-breaking and beautiful and fascinating.

Also, happy new year!

Reunited and it feels so good

2008-12-30T21:29:00.001-08:00

Finally back with my two favorite little people! Sorry class. They're my number ones. Now please excuse my ridiculous barrage of unbearably adorable pictures.

Never forget, I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!

I'll give you a hint. It's not "The Hound of Munic"

2008-12-29T21:12:00.001-08:00

The _ound of Mu_ic.

Merry Christmas: I Believe

2008-12-25T09:47:00.000-08:00

Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Bubbly + Elf = a pretty good Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T23:54:00.000-08:00

Just the three of us! Somehow we ended up all alone tonight, but we made our own fun.

Busted out the Martinellis and watched Elf as we sipped.

We played outside a little too so we could catch a glimpse of Santa.

Merry Christmas Eve!

Snow day!

2008-12-22T14:15:00.001-08:00

Feather and me chillin.